On the back of his controversial statements on the state of South African rugby, Luke Watson bares his soul and speaks 'exclusively' to iafrica.com's Contributing Editor Dan Nicholl...

Dan: Your comments have caused quite a stir, Luke ? and generated plenty of media coverage, even by your standards...

Luke: I know, Dan, and it's been a difficult week. I've been misquoted and misunderstood on previous occasions, but never like this, and I'd like to try and set the record straight.

Dan: Alright, let's get straight into some of the more controversial claims attributed to you. You hit out at 'Dutchmen' as being at the root of the problems with South African rugby.

Luke: Correct, Dan, and they are. I've uncovered an insidious network of Dutchmen who're intent on bringing down South African rugby. Marco van Basten, Ruud Guillit and Ronald Koeman are key figures, and I think Richard Krajicek, Ryan Ten Doeschate and Ruud van Nistelrooy are involved as well. I don't know why, but I intend to find out, and get these Dutchmen out of South African rugby.

Dan: So you weren't making a crude reference to Afrikaans people, then?

Luke: Not at all! Some of my best friends are Afrikaans. I watch '7 de Laan' with Victor and Fourie whenever we're in camp together, and I've got Die Campbells and Kurt Darren on my iPod.

Dan: Okay; what about wanting to vomit when you wear the Springbok jersey?

Luke: Simple medical condition. I react badly to the synthetic fibres in the jerseys ? the material makes me nauseous, and I feel the urge to throw up. You can see by the way I walk around in the jersey that I don't respond well to the fabric ? it looks like I'm wearing barbed wire deodorant. No one would walk that way on purpose; you'd just look really silly.

Dan: You also said that you didn't respect your team-mates ? how have they responded?

Luke: I haven't spoken to many of them, to be honest, and I closed my Facebook account when Jake wouldn't stop writing rude messages on my wall, so I've lost that channel of communication. But Ricky said I can share a room with him on the overseas tour as long as he can have everything in the minibar in our room, and I'm sure the other guys will be okay once I speak to them. And Ross has been a tower of strength.

Dan: That would be Ross Skeate, I take it. You guys are very close; him leaving for France later this week will be tough for you, I'm sure.

Luke: Definitely. We've decided I won't go to the airport; it'll just be too emotional. I understand why Ross has to leave ? he has the opportunity to study under Sebastian Chabal, and take his facial hair experiments to a new level. But I'll miss him terribly.

Dan: That's one challenge; let's talk about another. After former Western Cape Premier Ebrahim Rasool revealed last year that you are actually black, has your sense of identity changed significantly?

Luke: It has, Dan. I've had to accept certain things, like the fact that I can't grow an Afro. I asked Schalk Burger's dad how he grew his, but I still haven't had any luck. But life has changed. I have an urge to bottle sea water and take it home with me every time I'm at Clifton or Camps Bay. I'm suddenly a great dancer. And I have an inexplicable fear that I'm going to get carried away by a tokoloshe one of these days.

Dan: It all adds up to an incredible story, Luke ? there's a book and a movie in there some day...

Luke: Mark Keohane phones me twice a day wanting to do the book, but it's the film I'm more interested in. I have a dream, Dan, that one day, white people and black people will play together, judged not by the colour of their skin, but by the passion and skill they display. I have a dream that on the green fields of Loftus, the sons of Afrikaaners and the sons of Englishmen and the sons of Xhosas and Zulus, will play together at the rugby table of brotherhood. And that will be the crux of the movie. Denzil Washington is Luke Watson, with Frans Cronje producing and directing ? it's going to be huge.

  • Contact Dan at dan@metropolis.co.za

  • As with all Dan's World 'exclusives', this column is a parody and not intended to offend or be taken seriously.