Unbeknownst to all but a clandestine group of government officials, the Scorpions’ final act before being disbanded was to conduct a wide-ranging, undercover investigation into Luke Watson. iafrica.com, through an anonymous source, has exclusive extracts from the final report…

INVESTIGATION #88734G-7Y

OPERATION REGURGITATING LOOSE FORWARD

INITIAL FINDINGS: RLF expresses public desire to throw up when confronted with Springbok jersey. Primary investigation suggests allergy to Springbok fabric is real reason, rather than allergy to Afrikaans people; further investigation, however, reveals that RLF is actually bulimic, and that this is subconsciously linked to images of Lawrence Sephaka having been sewn into the figure-hugging 2003 Nike World Cup jersey. RLF is thus terrified of looking fat in a Springbok jersey; suggest counselling sessions with Ricky Januarie, who certainly doesn’t have a problem with this. Alternatively, Christian Stewart, but this would be as a last resort.

(Outside chance RLF harbours secret modelling aspirations, hence desire to keep weight down to a minimum. Rugby is not a natural starting point for life on the catwalk in most cases, but Newlands has proved a fertile exception in recent years. RLF’s posture and walk also suggests a natural inclination towards modelling; further comparison with Montgomery, Skinstad, Fleck et al required.)

BACKGROUND ON RLF: History of throwing up appears to be extensive. Sources reveal that a pre-season visit to Newlands as a schoolboy in 1998 saw RLF throw up on final design for the then Western Stormers jersey; design went to print, and subsequent jersey was quite probably the worst in history.

Several other examples have come to light; the most recent, however, concerns South Africa’s 2010 World Cup mascot, Zakumi (from the Zulu, ‘to be thrown up on’), again visited by RLF at design stage at SAFA headquarters. For unknown reasons — educated guess would be having just watched a Bafana highlights package — RLF threw up on final design, which again went into production unaltered, thus turning a proud African leopard, into a jaundiced Japanese anime cartoon character, with frightening green acne and PJ Powers’s haircut.

RESPONSE TO RLF: Widespread stories of current Springboks boycotting tour to Europe if RLF were to be selected, have been confirmed as untrue; in fact, sources close to the team suggest many of the players would like to spend time with RLF as soon as possible, preferably somewhere quiet, dark, and close to a very deep harbour.

However, sources do indicate a possible boycott from members of South African cricket team if RLF were to be selected for tour of Australia, apparently linked to bulimic issues with certain senior members of the national cricket team. Suggestion that a spell of anorexia rather than bulimia would suit several of the cricketers has been dismissed as scurrilous mischief-making, and no more.

IMMEDIATE FUTURE FOR RLF: End of year tour could prove challenging environment for RLF, presence of air sickness bags on flight notwithstanding. (Definitely no flights via Amsterdam. Probably best to avoid mention of clogs, dykes or Van Gogh as well.) Suggest new team uniform in vertical stripes to ease perceptions of weight; possibly in material that washes easily and doesn’t stain, just in case. And probably a good idea for RLF not to be left alone with team-mates at any stage. And maybe give Pretoria a skip for, oh, the next decade.

  • Contact Dan at dan@metropolis.co.za

  • This column is a parody and not intended to offend or be taken seriously.


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