iafrica.com Contributing Editor and graduate of the Watershed College of Academic Excellence and Ramp Modelling, Dan Nicholl, speaks exclusively to Zimbabwean government spokesman for sport Comrade Thirdman Banda about the success of Tendai ‘Beast’ Mtawarira, who single-handedly destroyed the British and Irish Lions pack in Durban on Saturday.

Dan: It was a glorious day for Zimbabwe on Saturday, Comrade Banda, making the country very proud indeed.

Thirdman: Let me tell you what a proud day it was, shamwari. To watch the evil colonial Western scum English — and they are not Welsh, or Irish, or Scottish, or some other village, they are all Blair’s people — lose was a joyous occasion. We watched the game on President Mugabe’s big screen, while MDC members of parliament served us champagne and salmon in return for not being arrested. It was a perfect day.

Dan: A victory for Zimbabwe, then?

Thirdman: Another victory for Zimbabwe, my friend. Blair took us on, and he lost, and now he is unemployed and living with that wife of his who looks more like the guy from the Rolling Stones every day. Now it is the Lions who have also felt the wrath of Zimbabwe, as we help out our neighbours, and keep Africa proud and strong.

Dan: The Beast was man of the match, another reason for celebration.

Thirdman: Indeed. At first it was disappointing that he was playing rugby in Durban — the dream of any Zimbabwean parent is to see their son move to Hillbrow, work as a car guard, and become involved in the creation of fake passports, ID documents and driver’s licenses. But while Beast wasn’t able to make it as a car guard, he’s made up for it by leading the destruction of the English rubbish, for which we are all extremely proud.

Dan: Just why is the Beast so strong, then?

Thirdman: A number of reasons. Much like Obelix fell into a cauldron of magic potion when he was a baby, so Beast fell into a Scud of chibuku — Zimbabwe’s wonderful homemade beer, thin and sour and hilarious to watch English tourists trying to drink — when he was a baby. Since the age of ten, he has been eating a goat and a small cow every day. And he was at Peterhouse, brother school to Michaelhouse, where most of the pupils are sons of farmers, and so in their mid-twenties trying to finish their ‘O’ levels. So must be tough to defend yourself.

Dan: The results are evident, as the English now know only too well...

Thirdman: You see, England has been in decline since the beautiful Margaret Thatcher left office, and they are paying the price. But they are still a devious breed, and South Africans must be careful. Take for example one of their coaches, Graham Rowntree: they have sent him to South Africa with two special satellite dishes attached to the side of his head so he can spy on the South African people. This is what you are dealing with, a devious if physically frail and pale people.

Dan: So can the English expect more Zimbabwean trouble, then?

Thirdman: Indeed, and let me tell you, even more trouble. Around 80% of Zimbabwe’s population now lives somewhere between Johannesburg and Messina, and they will be at the next games in force, selling replica jerseys cleverly sourced from factories in China, and offering tickets unknowingly acquired from the hotel rooms of travelling Lions fans. So there will be a roar at Loftus and at Ellis Park, especially when the Beast is destroying them again, and that roar will be Zimbabwean.

Dan: Any final words for Beast from the Zimbabwean government?

Thirdman: We have lots of farms waiting for him as a gift when he gets home, now that the war veterans are all living in South Africa. We are also giving him Chegutu and Rusape, two beautiful rural Zimbabwean cities, and a Nando’s franchise in Borrowdale. Unfortunately the rugby fields here are now planted with maize, so he won’t be able to play, but he will be welcomed home like Kirsty Coventry as a great Zimbabwean.

Dan: And final words for the Lions?

Thirdman: Go back to your Blair and your Brown and your rain and your Polish builders and your tube and your warm beer. And beware, because if you listen on your tube, you will hear Shona and Afrikaans and Xhosa and Swahili. The colonial process is quietly reversing, and just as Queen Victoria’s picture once hung on buildings in Africa, so The Beast’s will one day look down on Westminster and Buckingham Palace. You mark my words.

  • This column is a parody and is not intended to be taken seriously.

  • Contact Dan at dan@metropolis.co.za


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