Dismay in Dan’s World this morning, after the Sydney Morning Herald scurrilously labelled me “a journalist” in this morning’s ‘paper. (The hack who contacted me was a woman called George; we’re the ones with gender issues?) I ‘phoned Julius Malema, as I usually do in moments of moral quandary or intellectual uncertainty, for advice; he told me it was clearly a racist colonial plot, and that Helen Zille was probably involved. Unfortunately ‘The ‘A’ Team’ was about to start on the Series Channel, and Julius had to rush off, but his words offered the required comfort; and anyway, I’m still celebrating a delightful end to the Ashes.

South African sports administrators are generally the scourge of local sport, but the current crew running local cricket might just have pulled off one of the all time great acts of sporting subterfuge. Watching the Ashes has always been a painful experience for South Africans, the ideal result being both teams somehow losing the series; now, thankfully, that is no longer the case. For a plot most cunning is taking ever great shape, as England is replaced by South Africa ‘A’, and our development program reaches new heights.

There’ve been earlier attempts to do similar, Allan Lamb and Robin Smith infiltrated into past England sides, but the colonisation of English cricket has gained genuine momentum in the last few years. Four players in every county starting XI, on average, now counts Afrikaans as a first language, and the national team now carries a similar look. The captain, the wicketkeeper, the debutante batsman; throw in Pietersen, and South Africa ‘A’ is looking very strong indeed.

And as more South Africans creep stealthily through the County Championship and into the England team, we’ll have cricket’s answer to Saracens in no time, and become the only country with two sides in the international game. Which gives us a team to support wholeheartedly come every Ashes series; granted, supporting a team involving Pietersen is still an unnatural act, but he’s become more tolerable since the days of the skunk surgically attached to his head, and the rest of the South African contingent makes for a collective surge of allegiance.

Just how Cricket South Africa has managed this is a mystery; after all, they’re not the first country to have tried it. The West Indies have tossed assorted pseudo-fast bowlers the way of the England team; Mike Gatting and Nasser Hussein represent the Indian effort; and Australia’s plot to dismantle England from within had some success, having smuggled both Geraint Jones, and that fast bowler from the last series in England who no one can remember. (He was a plumber from Melbourne, I think, or maybe a builder; now working behind the bar at the Walkabout in Camden.)

But no one has invaded English cricket quite so successfully as we have. I did try and get comment from Cricket South Africa, but apparently everyone was locked in an important meeting that involved sticking pins into... dolls, and deciding what to get Lalit Modi for his birthday. Which leaves us merely to revel in our Ashes success, look forward to the battle with the ‘A’ team over the summer, and enjoy Saturday’s rugby in another territory we’ve taken over. The South African city of Perth is next on the sporting hit list; it really is a quite wonderful time to be South African.

  • Contact Dan at dan@metropolis.co.za
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