An open letter from iafrica.com Contributing Editor Dan Nicholl to Raymond Hack at the South African Football Association, offering to take over as coach of Bafana Bafana for the 2010 World Cup.

Dear Raymond,

I'm not sure if you're the right person to be writing to; I did try and call SAFA headquarters, but apparently everyone was at a champagne lunch Jomo had organised as a show of appreciation for the wonderful work you all do. So I'm sending it your way, and you can pass it on as necessary, hopefully before the big meeting I hear you're having tomorrow. Here goes, then...

First up, sorry to hear about Joel.

To be honest, when you first hired him, I thought he was the musician - silly mistake, I know, but then no one in South Africa had ever heard of him before. But I think he did okay, given he'd never coached before, couldn't speak English, and had an unfortunate taste in expensive tracksuits. Still, he's gone, and you need a replacement, and honestly, Ray, I think I could be the man for the job.

Rumours are flying around that you're going to give it to Jomo, and I see where you're coming from. He got his team relegated two seasons ago, they're now bottom of the PSL, and he once met Pele - what's not to like? But while I don't want to step on Jomo's toes (which I don't think he's seen for at least the last decade; raw athleticism isn't Jomo's strong suit at the moment), I don't want you to rush into anything here.

And that includes bringing back Parreira. Now I'm all for Brazilians, Raymond, as I'm sure you are (nudge nudge, wink wink), but the man did a runner with more money than a Minister of Police could spend on a hotel in an entire weekend.

Yes, he's got quite a track record, and he did okay in his last stint, but if we meet Brazil in the final, don't be surprised if he drops Schillo, Benni and Bernard Parker, and brings in George Dearnaley and Mark Williams. We need local talent at the helm, Ray, and that local talent is me.

Don't worry about football track record - I once kept four consecutive clean sheets for the Selbourne Routledge colts as a 10-year-old 'keeper, scored a cracker for Dippers United against the Ajax Cape Town staff from 35 yards in my university days (ask John Comitis about it), and play golf regularly with Shaun Bartlett. Not even The Sowetan could query that football CV; throw in a season hosting Champions League on e.tv, and I'm practically football aristocracy.

But that's all peripheral, Ray, as we both know; what's important is my plan to take us to victory next year. Losing to Iceland was painful for all of us (apparently they'd put the team list up in the Reykjavik village hall a couple of days before the game, and every player who was available had to tick off his name), and we need to improve urgently; luckily for you, Raymond, I know exactly what's needed. Teamwork.

I'm a humble man, and I know my limitations; as such, it's a coaching team I'm assembling, a team that can collectively polish the dusty gem that is Bafana. And so I've sourced some crack talent.

Peter de Villiers, a proven coach at international level, can only be an asset (and you've probably still got Joel's translators, so you won't need to get new ones for Peter). Mickey Arthur fits into a similar category, and Graeme Smith's happy to loan him out to us, provided we get someone in to do the skipper's ironing while Mickey's with us. And I like that Terry Mbe, the SuperSport commentator - I think he's from Ghana, as Mbe is a popular surname in Accra, but he does sound like he's spent a lot of time in Southampton - as he does seem to know a lot about football.

The players are crucial as well, of course - we need Benni back, even if he does need an urgent course of liposuction, and I'd really like to pick Thabang Molefe, if only to hear the Ricky Martin 'Thabang' song in the terraces. (Try singing it in the office, Ray - change 'She bangs, she bangs'... Pretty cool, huh?) And Quentin Fortune's playing some decent football in the Championship; he's also promised me a signed Giggs jersey if I pick him, which seals that selection.

But the crucial man is my Zimbabwean mate Kingdom, the unofficial Mayor of Bulawayo who's now residing at an unspecified address in Johannesburg.

Kingdom runs a small business producing passports, driver's licenses and identity documents for people on short notice; here's my genius idea. Sweden hasn't qualified for 2010, which means Zlatan Ibrahimovich is free. Portugal might not make it, which would free up Cristiano Ronaldo. Scotland hasn't qualified, and so... alright, Scotland doesn't have any decent players, but you get the idea. We'll run through the list, pass it on to Kingdom, and by the end of the week, we'll have South African passports for half a dozen international stars to beef up the team.

Throw in my revolutionary 1-8-1 formation, a pretty good Jomo Sono fist pump (I've been practicing in front of the mirror), and a promise from Mark Gleeson to write nice things about the team in return for picking up his weekly tab at Spur (roughly Joel's salary, I know, but Mark's an influential man, so I reckon it's worth it), and we're right on track for 2010. My phone's on Raymond, and you have my number; together, we'll win this for South Africa. You have my word.

Yours in football,
Dan 'Dancing Feet' Nicholl

Contact Dan at dan@metropolis.co.za