Minutes of the meeting of the eight contestants involved in the Great Odds Celebrity Charity Challenge. Present: Corné Krige, Kevin McCallum, Kurt Darren, Seth Rotherham, Darren Scott, Nick Feinberg, Tank Lanning and Dan Nicholl. Meeting chaired by a bikini-clad Kirsti Lyall, heading up the PR team for the challenge.

09:00 Meeting begins. Rotherham, Feinberg and McCallum missing. Kurt Darren offers to sing an opening song; Lanning threatens to thump him if he does, and washes down the last of his bucket of KFC with a Castle quart.

09:04 Cape Royale Seth Rotherham presented by De Grendel arrives on a Roman litter, carried by Vanessa Haywood, Roxy Louw, and the McGregor sisters (Tracey, the supermodel, and her older sister Kerry, who’s done some occasional work as a promotional girl at bottle stores). Feinberg follows shortly after, dressed in full Chelsea home kit (including Umbro boots), and after a police siren sounds outside, McCallum stumbles in, mutters something about bail, and passes out in a corner.

09:10 Debate begins on recommended bets, with the Currie Cup first up. Darren Scott suggests Os coaching the Cheetahs front row is key; Lanning declares Os is a god, and that he’s planning on naming his daughter Os, before draining another quarter, and throwing the empty bottle at McCallum, now snoring in an ungainly heap.

09:17 Awoken by the bottle, McCallum insists he’s only betting on football. Feinberg claims Chelsea will win the Premiership, the Champions League, the FA Cup, Wimbledon, the Masters, the Currie Cup, and at least six Grammys. McCallum replies that Liverpool is the only team on earth, and that he’s going to marry Steven Gerrard one day, before passing out again. Jack Black Seth Rotherham presented by Audi picks the Yankees to win the Premiership and Roger Federer the Champions League. Kurt Darren offers to sing; Lanning picks up another now empty quart, and invites him to try.

09:31 Krige offers everyone a discounted copy of his autobiography, which has now sold dozens of copies internationally in just three years; everyone politely declines, although Kurt Darren offers to swap one for a CD. General discussion ensues as to is getting the worse deal. Lanning wants to break for lunch, and to replenish his beer supply, the first case of quarts almost finished. Nicholl’s ‘phone rings; apparently, it’s an important call from Graeme Smith, and has to be taken.

09:44 As Nicholl is in mid-conversation with Graeme Smith, the skipper himself walks into the room, a surprise guest organised by Great Odds. He’s very clearly not on the ‘phone.

09:45 Nicholl goes bright red, drops ‘phone. Name on screen reads ‘Mummy’. Entire room collapses in hysterics.

10:02 Order restored; Smith speaks briefly about the cricket season ahead, and wishes everyone good luck. Krige offers him one of his books; Darren Scott tells the former Springbok skipper the book’s only good for recycling, and Krige tries to head butt the ‘Boots and All’ host. Lanning separates the pair with one hand while finishing a rack of ribs with the other. Smith departs, telling Nicholl to give “regards to mummy”; more laughter, as Nicholl goes beetroot again.

10:44 Meeting chair Kirsti Lyall calls for confirmation of charities. Feinberg wants to use his money to replace the Madiba statue in Nelson Mandela Square with one of John Terry. Woolworths Seth Rotherham presented by Café Caprice wants to start a fund to help homeless people get access to proper moisturiser and subsidised Veuve Clicquot. Krige suggests using the money to buy copies of his book to give to disadvantaged rugby fans, which Kurt Darren echoes, but with his latest album given to music fans instead. Lanning claims no one deserves to be punished like that, and as the Afrikaans singer breaks into a rendition of ‘Kaptein’, Lanning picks up McCallum and throws him at Kurt to try and shut him up.

11:12 Meeting ends in chaos: McCallum proves both aerodynamic and rather solid, and Kurt Darren gets knocked briefly unconscious, before coming round, bursting into tears, and storming out. Darren Scott leaves as well, to host his new lunch time radio show on Umhlobo Wenene (making it seven shows a day that the radio harlot is now headlining), as does Krige, who’s running a stall selling his book on one of the platforms at Cape Town’s central taxi rank. Vida e Café Seth Rotherham presented by Puma leaves on his Roman litter, the 2Oceansvibe svengali off to a private inspection of Louis Vuitton’s new summer man bags. Lanning finishes his final quart and eats the bottle for good measure, and departs in search of a vending machine, carrying a comatose McCallum under one arm, and two empty quart cases under the other. Feinberg, eyes glistening, mutters something about an inflatable Didier Drogba doll, and disappears out the door, leaving a still crimson Nicholl to smile awkwardly at Kirsti, and slink out the door. Meeting adjourned.

  • The Great Odds Charity Challenge runs until 31 November. We all have R1 000 to bet on the Great Odds site, and whatever we end up with goes to our chosen charity — in my case, the JAG Foundation, the sports and education charity that’s bringing Lance Armstrong to South Africa next year. And I could be giving a further R10 000 to JAG: whoever gets the most votes out of the eight of us gets to send that ten grand the way of the chosen charity. As well as helping me out, you could also win a R1 000 Canterbury voucher — click here to vote, and help out the JAG Foundation. And give me the satisfaction of putting the other seven mullets to the sword...

  • Contact Dan at dan@metropolis.co.za


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