iafrica.com Contributing Editor Dan Nicholl reports back from the J&B Met at Kenilworth Race Course, and a day of dazzling fashion, assorted celebrity, and a major upset in the day?s big race.

11:50 Mango Handicap: Arrive just in time for the first race of the day; sponsored by Mango Airlines, the last horse home with no baggage wins. KFM?s Ryan O?Connor is already at the bar, having slept outside Kenilworth in anticipation of the big day; his rumpled suit matches the creased white linen of Chester Williams, who?s handing out Invictus posters to everyone in sight. The day?s theme is full colour, and already the J&B Met is an absolute riot...

12:30 GrandWest Handicap: Balance, as Ricky Januarie always tells me, is vital, so offsetting J&B with some Waterford sauvignon blanc; not quite as enthusiastically as O?Connor, who?s drinking white wine out of the bottle. Lee-anne Liebenberg leads the early running for best dressed, although her shimmering lilac floral wrap is apparently inspired by Johannesburg roads: unfinished, and full of holes. None of the men are complaining, though, and the model is some way clear of All Access host Mark Bayly, the former Survivor man dragging the Met to new depths by arriving in Crocs. No, seriously.

13:10 Schweppes Stakes: Schweppes Stakes, so a couple of J&B and sodas; Flat Stanley lead singer Andy Mac ? who, in keeping with the colourful theme, has shrugged off his trademark black, and opted for a charcoal/midnight grey combination ? follows suit, and decants a bottle of Scotch into an ice bucket, and garnishes it with a can of soda water. Rock stars. Security arrives to throw out Bayly for being appallingly dressed, but he?s in the bathroom doing his hourly stubble trim. Rumours abound that Pocket Power, heavy favourite for the big race, has a drinking problem; can arguably South Africa?s greatest ever horse win a fourth consecutive title?

13:50 Open Handicap: Whether it?s my dazzling red and white outfit from hazard Golf Clothing, or dazzling little Greek I?ve hired as an accessory for the day, one of the roving television presenters asks for an interview: I?m not sure if it?s Jeannie Dee, or that Noeleen woman with the aggressive click in her surname, but I cheerfully agree. Turns out it?s Noeleen; Jeannie is across the marquee in a breathtaking brown dress that?s fighting a losing battle trying to restrain Jeannie?s cleavage from escaping. Oh to be that dress...

14:30 Investec Derby: Celebrities continue to pile into the J&B marquee. Cindy Nell arrives, the sole celebrity on M-Net?s current ?Survivor? series, in an elegant pale mustard gown; no sign of Ashley Hayden and her novelty teeth, though. One of the blonde albino assassins from the Matrix also arrives; turns out it?s Roxy Louw, who?s gone all Gothic sci-fi. The whole Louw family, including a spritely Rob, successfully on the road back from cancer; Conrad Jantjes, very Mafia don in grey suit and Fedora, adds to the rugby influx, as does a very scruffy looking Joe Pietersen, the Stormers fullback clearly having dressed in the dark at an Oxfam shop.

15:25 Klawervlei Stakes: Time for an afternoon stroll across the tracks; when the first people you bump into are Robbie Kempson and Brian McMillan, you?ve hit a rough part of town. Take sanctuary in the Stallion Lounge, trainer Jono Snaith?s marquee; as usual, most of Snaith?s horses have finished comfortable last. Have my hand crushed by successive handshakes from Schalk Burger, Jaque Fourie and Dave Edgar, as assorted Stormers mill about eating raw meat and whole beer bottles. Get introduced to a man who appears to be John Stamos, the American actor, but who turns out to be Seth Parreira, the South African stuntman who does most of Stamos?s body double work. Seth reads a poem to ?My Rachie poo chicken noodle pie?, a vomit-inducing ode to his girlfriend that Hallmark would have cringed at. Almost time for the big race...

16:20 J&B Met: Watch the actual J&B Met with the aforementioned Jono Snaith, whose crumpled white suit suggests he hasn?t changed since the Queen?s Plate. Whispers that Pocket Power won?t win it prove well founded as River Jetez storms to an unexpected victory; as usual, 90 percent of the people at Kenilworth aren?t remotely interested, and will only find out the following day who actually triumphed. Seth corners me to explain who he swapped a business class ticket to London for two economy tickets so his little noodle pie could accompany him; feeling nauseous, I escape to Caprice?s marquee, David Raad?s den of iniquity.

17:15 FM88 Handicap: Race eight is the FM88 Handicap; never heard of the sponsoring radio station, but presume Darren Scott is on it at some stage. Caprice?s marquee is being run by Raad, owner of the Camps Bay shebeen, and recently returned from his native Lebanon, where he claimed a creditable fourth place in the Lebanese Broadcasting Commission?s ?Strictly Come Dancing?. Percy Montgomery is an early celebrity sighting, in a shirt Liberace might have designed for Madiba to wear on safari; ?District Nine? superstar Vanessa Haywood follows shortly, in a plain black dress worn to a mass paintball tournament pre-Met. She?s just back from LA, and is apparently deciding between the romantic lead in a new Chuck Norris flick, or a six-part miniseries for a major Malawian pay channel.

18:00 MR96 Handicap: Penultimate race of the day, and I finally place a bet; big mistake. The race is the MR96 Handicap; MR96 is also the name of the road my horse is last seen heading down, confirming the sheer folly of betting. Claudia Henkel sways through the Caprice tent, in a dress that just covers her belly button; yes, she?s beautiful and makes a fabulous model, but what a loss to the line-out. David Raad?s shirt comes off, a truly terrifying sight, so it?s back to the J&B marquee to see out the evening.

18:45 J&B Reserve Stayers: Comedians Stuart Taylor and Kurt Schoonraad (officially worst dressed man at the Met three years ago) are holding court with KFM?s Richard Hardiman; Taylor has won the right today to wear the pair of black and white brogues that he and Schoonraad co-own. At the bar, a gaggle of plump blondes has besieged Gareth Cliff at the bar, while next to him, Pocket Power is getting extremely drunk with Jeannie Dee after his surprise defeat, and Natalie Becker and Tammy-Anne Fortuin add a final touch of glamour to the evening. HHP takes to the stage as the final race finishes, the Louw family descends upon the dancefloor, and in a cheerful blur of great music, J&B, and impromptu Greek dancing, another glorious day at the Met wraps up...