Sepp Blatter reclines on his Levansky baby buffalo hide chair (a most thoughtful gift from the Uruguayan federation), takes out that special Fuente Don Arturo AniverXario cigar (a most considerate gift from that most appreciative Cambodian delegate), clips the end and hauls out the diamond-encrusted platinum lighter (a most appreciated gesture from the Trinidad camp), and congratulates himself on a job well done.

The FIFA president stretches out, affords himself a smile and thinks of that gorgeous Russian-bid ambassador Tatania someone, with the legs that stretch from Zurich to the top of the Matterhorn, who entertained him so well. She said she was looking forward to seeing him in 2018 and showing him some more "hospitality" with her friends Veronika, Anastasiya and Nadya, who are all so passionate... about football.

He thinks too of the amazing hospitality of the Qatari royal family, who are such generous and giving people, and who have contributed so much to… the development of the game.

Yip, the World Cup is going to Russia and Qatar. Have you ever?

It's not every day that you feel sorry for the English, and it is sometimes hard given their perpetual belief that God is an Englishman and that soccer is theirs, but one is almost tempted to.

For once "Bonking" Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, cannot say that everything is "tickety boo" or a "jolly good show". In fact, he said that, "FIFA can't last in its current form". Let's hope that he is absolutely correct.

England had the best technical and commercial bid for 2018. And we all know about their footballing culture, that they gave us the game, and the nostalgic images of 1966 of short-haired footballers who looked like accountants and smoked pipes and wore Macs. Sure, there was a time when the Millwall fans used to set upon the Wimbledon fans with machetes, chainsaws and used pigs and sent the Bobbies scattering, but they sorted that game out and morphed it into a sedate, almost smug, family-come-corporate, top product.

But they got one vote outside of England and were massacred in the first round of the bid for hosting the 2018 event.

Look, some of their bid is taken word-for-word from the Bible of How to Lose a Bid:

1.      Have your national broadcaster have a real go at the main decision makers and accuse them of corruption.

2.      Get some fans to invade a pitch and have a go at each other two nights before the draw.

3.      Claim it is your birthright and that football must come home.

After that Becks, Prince William and all the King's horses and all the King's men could not put the bid together again.

But the point remains - and we can almost hear the whining from here - that they had arguably the best bid.

And the same goes for 2022, although it seems a bit far off. (It is depressing to think how old one will be in 2022. For one, Sepp will be 86.)

If 2018 went to the world's biggest country, 2022 goes to one of the smallest, whose impressive footballing track record is limited to a runners-up spot in the World u20 championship in 1981 where they lost 0-4 to Germany.

Qatar beat the likes of the US, which again seemed to have the soundest commercial and technical bid. Never mind that the temperatures will be in the mid 40s – they are planning to air condition the stadia that they, like Russia, are going to have to build.

What is the argument for Qatar? A football country? Hardly. The weather? You're gonna fry. The lifestyle? I assume some fans would love to have a beer in a sidewalk café. The people of Qatar? Well, there aren’t any. (They have 350 000 citizens - a mere four fills of the FNB stadium.)

Or is the awarding of the event to Qatar related to the fact that it is a top 2 GDP nation?

As Blatter amazingly admitted, it was folly to have two bids simultaneously as it encouraged above-average levels of horse trading and diabolical behavior. But the whole thing is as transparent as the bottom two inches of the Westdene dam.

We will never know the reasons Russia and Qatar won, but deep down we all do. And for something as publicly owned as football, this balls-up cannot carry on.